The Real Common Treatable Podcast

Living With Queer Youth | How To Accept an LGBTQ+ Child, Friend, or Family Member with Colin Baker

March 17, 2022 Clint Mally Season 1 Episode 32
The Real Common Treatable Podcast
Living With Queer Youth | How To Accept an LGBTQ+ Child, Friend, or Family Member with Colin Baker
Show Notes Transcript


In this episode, you'll hear from Colin Baker LPC as they explain:

  • How do you support and love a friend, child, or family member in the LGBTQ+ community?
  • What things should you keep in mind regarding name changes and pronouns?
  • What things do people in the trans community have in common with all teens and young adults? 

You can connect with Colin and learn more about the work they do at SandstoneCare.com

Clint Mally:

If you have a kid or a family member who identify as is anything other than heterosexual, then you already know that life for them is different. Maybe you grew up in a super accepting environment. So when they came out, it was no big deal. Or maybe it was a shock. Maybe it didn't know what to think, how to respond, how to act. Today, we're talking about living with queer youth. What should you understand? Or what do you need to know when your teen or young adult identifies anywhere on the LGBTQ plus spectrum? Our guide is Cullen Baker, a licensed professional counselor, and Family Therapist at sandstone care. I'm Clint Mally, and this is real common treatable, where we break down overcoming mental health and substance use challenges in simple everyday language. First, only a column explain exactly what they mean by queer youth.

Colin Baker LPC:

For the families of queer adolescents, so for their parents, for their siblings, if there's additional family members living with them, that as well. That's what more I mean. And when I say living with queer youth, I'm also trying to talk about how being queer is going to be very different than from people who are like cisgendered, or heterosexual, and what life might look like differently for them, and what the expectation might be different. And then therefore, how the expectation of anticipation of their future might require a different approach than the expectation or anticipation of other people's futures.

Clint Mally:

Now, there are some specific things that are worth talking about, right off the bat, like, how do you talk to your teen or young adult about this stuff? And what kind of pronouns should you use.

Colin Baker LPC:

So some of the things that come to mind are like when these adolescents are in families, and they are exploring their gender identities, and they're exploring many aspects of their identity, really, and they're starting to make changes in their lives. So using different names are using some different pronouns. And then they're also asking their family members to engage with their names and engage with their pronouns, it becomes a struggle when that doesn't happen. And that is when that adversity gets actually experienced. So it's when my child comes to me and tells me that their name is no longer what I've been calling them that they would like to now go by, will say arrow, right, I've actually done a couple arrows, I think it's a great name, too. And I'm like, That's a cool name. Let's go by air on my pronouns. And now they them. Every time that I then refer to ero, by not their name that they've now given me or not their pronouns that they have now given to me, that's a hurt, that's a pain for my child, basically. And that builds up that can, or it can build up at the very least, especially if it's not treated with like the level of intensity or respect that they're bringing to me with.

Clint Mally:

Maybe you're thinking they're young? What if this is just a phase? Is this really worth taking? Seriously? I mean, you were there, since they were a baby, can they really expect you to call them something different after all these years? Well, as calling explains this stuff, it really matters.

Colin Baker LPC:

If I'm like, Okay, this is just like another phase. I know that we have talked a little bit about phases. And it's like, Yes, I was not there to see the demo phase. Yes, I was not there to see the cowboy hat and cowboy boots phase. And ultimately, if those phases did not have negative impacts, this phase itself is also not going to have a negative impact, most likely, if it is a phase. And if it's not, by not addressing it the way that it deserves, we run the risk of really causing some damage, not just to my relationship with my child, but also to my child with their relationship to themself honestly, and how they're going to be able to relate to other people out in the world to

Clint Mally:

really what this comes down to is support an independence. For example, think about a spouse that decides to not take their partner's last name. What should you do? Well, if you support that person, you call them by the name that they connect with. You are affirming their humanity, you are telling them that what they want to call themselves that it matters.

Colin Baker LPC:

Yes, absolutely. That's a huge factor to this. It requires a level of independence for me to be able to even like name and ask for a different name for my parents or a different pronouns for my parents. Yeah, that's a huge part of this 100%

Clint Mally:

Also, if someone gets married and they change their name, what's required is the effort to say that new name, maybe they'll get divorced in 10 years, but it doesn't really matter doesn't they change their name and they expect the world to We accept this new identity with marriage. And people have no problem doing this. And this is because as a culture, we've decided that names really matter.

Colin Baker LPC:

I love that you brought up the marriage example, because I think that's a wonderful example of when someone else tells me that's not their name anymore. It is absolutely the expectation that I respect that. If someone's like, oh, no, I'm Mrs. Mitchell. Now, I'm not going to be like, Okay, Miss Robin, it's a disrespectful thing to do. However, I know, so many people who don't have that, or don't carry that same level of respect for transgender people, and particularly for transgender youth, that statement oftentimes gets dismissed, it oftentimes gets like swept under the rug, or just pushed aside. And I just really, really want to highlight that that's very damaging when we do that, in my most recent work, I am seeing a lot of improvement, I'm seeing a lot of flexibility, I'm seeing a lot of willingness to listen, and I'm seeing a lot of comfort with the with discomfort. All which is ultimately what this is. And I really appreciate your naming that comfort piece, if I've been doing something for 16 years, and then suddenly, someone's Oh, you got to change. Now, you're not allowed to do it again, like that ever. Again, it's a I'm really used to this, I don't know how easily, I'm just going to be able to like switch like that. And I want to offer like some compassion to it. If I'm a parent, and my 16 year old is coming to me and my 13 year old is coming to me, my nine year old is coming to me, I've still been doing something for nine years, 13 years, 16 years, calling them by the name that I know them as. And they come to me and asked me, I would like to go by a different name. And this is why I'm going to probably struggle with that shift, it's probably not going to be an immediate level of comfort, where I'm like, oh, yeah, perfect. Okay, fantastic, I can do that. If you can do that, fantastic. I absolutely want to encourage you to do it. And if you struggle, it's okay, it's okay to have a hard time with the adjustment. And I want to encourage some exploration of like, how come I'm having a hard time with this adjustment. And for a lot of parents, if that's the case, you're allowed to have those feelings like that is okay to feel this way. And I want to offer the still that while thinking about that, it's also important that we think about what are then the consequences of me acting on this feelings towards my own child,

Clint Mally:

we might think that when someone asks you to call them by a different name or pronoun, that it's a conflict. But really, what call in wants us to know is that it's actually an invitation.

Colin Baker LPC:

I know we talked about in the last podcast that I was on about how the naming my identity for you telling you my name telling you my pronouns is an invitation for you to know me better for you to join me for you to continue with me in life through whatever experiences I am having. And I just want to highlight again, that is still the case like, it is still an invitation to know us better, it's still an invitation to join me in my world in my life. For me to tell you my name.

Clint Mally:

Here, I asked Cullen to explain the mindset of someone who's built up the courage to go by a different name to come out or to state who they really are.

Colin Baker LPC:

My initial desire is to paint it as for a lot of people, the mindset is life or death, I do this or I die, or part of me dies. And I'm the one killing it. And I don't I can't speak for that being the intensity for everybody. And I have done that that has been the intensity for a lot of people, where it's like, if I don't start making this change, if I'm not living authentically, then I'm not living. And I don't know how long I can do that. And it's and I don't say that to like scare people. And I don't say that to try and paint the trans experience as a trans experience of suicide. That's not the idea here. The idea is that this is it's a call for life. It's like a plea for it, basically, please see me as alive. Let me live literally let me live as me. And let me be able to be me and be like out there as me like out in the world and be out in the world as me and then come back now home and also be able to be me and be safe here. When I'm not necessarily going to be safe out there.

Clint Mally:

We know that families disagree. They think and act differently because they are different people, even if they share the same DNA and blood and these differences, whether that's religious, political, or whatever, might also be the thing that helps us understand what it's like to be someone who wants to be accepted for their gender identity. Like for transgender folks, for example.

Colin Baker LPC:

I see personally a lot of parallels between all of adolescence and the transgender experience, right? Any coming of age, any sort of coming to understanding oneself any sort of gaining of identity, right? If you've ever had a conversation with your family, that your religion and their religion are different if you've ever have or if you've ever had a conversation with your family about your career goals and their ideas about your career are different if you've ever had a conversation with your family about your political idea and their political ideas being different, and still wishing to be together. There's a lot of parallel in that not in the level of intensity necessarily. But still I see that's where there is space to expand upon those emotions to gather and gain some of this understanding,

Clint Mally:

okay, let's make this practical and use a religious comparison. Put yourself in this situation.

Colin Baker LPC:

If I was raised Catholic, and I'm telling my family that this doesn't fit for me that this is not for me that this is not my identity. This is not how I understand things. This is not how I see the world. This is not where my belief system lies, that could go very poorly. And they can take a lot of courage to do that, like I don't like, I do not envy my friends who have had to tell their Catholic parents that they are no longer Catholic, or that they are. They don't believe in Catholicism, like specifically not that religion has authority and ownership over this experience. But I could do this, we could talk about this with just any sort of religious belief or even non religious beliefs. I'm telling my atheist family that I am a follower of Christ can be a very difficult conversation for people. And that's where I try to find space. And it's I try literally anywhere. I'm like, I'm like, Have you ever had a hard conversation with somebody? At any point in your life? Have you ever had to tell like a car dealership that you don't want their car even that like, it's maybe it's a mini conflict in someone's perspective, and we can still identify that the emotions taking place, there might be something that we can expand upon and see elsewhere.

Clint Mally:

Sometimes people might think, Yo, that's fine. Believe let you want to don't push that off on me. Don't expect me to call you by a certain pronoun or accept eight different gender identity. But in mainstream culture, we view this as a choice. But and I'll admit, this is where I started to get a little bit choked up. Can't we all, at some level, understand the agony of not being accepted for who we are?

Colin Baker LPC:

I think I'd like to expand a little bit on that. How come it's seen as a choice outside of the LGBT community? Because I think you're absolutely right. And I think for a very long time, there has been this expectation of sacrifice of self from a lot of people. And I don't just see that within queer communities. I also see that in cisgendered, heterosexual or heteronormative communities, it's the I know that this is like, I'm going to draw some from some pop culture references, right? Footloose as an exam, I know we're going way back on this one. But it's like if you just want to dance and you're not allowed to dance, you have to give that up. There's been this theme of self sacrifice in heteronormativity. Across the board, a lot of what we like within the queer community, a lot of the queer activism is not just designed as like a liberation for queer people. It's also liberation for non queer people, it is a permission for everybody to be their authentic selves to be a freeing of presenting any way you don't want to present working in any field. You don't want to work in being someone you don't want to be as loyal as long as we're not like harming other people and coming from a place of love. That's ideally what this is for like, this being gender equality, this being sexuality, equality, this being any of the equity actually more than equality, the equity that is going into the work that we are doing now, is not just designed as like exclusive and explicitly for queer people. This is for everybody. I look men is a an influencer, they have written a book, if you're familiar with who they are, I think they're really cool person. They do a lot of fashion that has historically I would say not been considered fashionable. And they explore that and they name it and they like, I dress the way that I dress because I like bright colors. And I like loud patterns. And I have always liked that. I get reactions from this from other people. And a lot of what I try to respond with is like how something in you is being irritated by something about me. And whatever that is, maybe we need to love it more.

Clint Mally:

Okay, if you've been tuning out in your day to day life, while you've been listening to this or watching this, I want you to really focus because I think this is something that has not being talked about enough and something that everyone needs to hear. How come?

Colin Baker LPC:

Identity is seen as a choice. by so many people in my mind, it means that they have chosen their identities or that they themselves were not given that choice.

Clint Mally:

I'm sorry, but did you just hear that? Oftentimes when we limit other people's identity as a sense of choice because we asked you, at some point, said that you were something in this world. And it didn't accept you either. Or you were not given the option, the choice, the ability to even think that you could say, who you are.

Colin Baker LPC:

And then, and for me, that's where I see a lot of this potential harm and damage being able to be mitigated. If I'm a parent, and I am, which in and of itself is, was this a choice? Was this not a choice? That like, dichotomy of choice within parenting? Even becoming a parent in the first place is an oversimplification of the acts of becoming parents that there was lots of choices have been going up to that standpoint, and lots of choices happen all the time. But there's still I think, the expectation like, oh, no, you chose this, therefore, you have to be okay with everything about it. And it's like, not necessarily, and I may have chosen parts of this, whatever this is, and not other parts. And maybe we can work to change those parts that I didn't choose work to change those parts, I'm not okay with, for argument's sake, if I did choose to be transgender. I did not choose for other people to dislike that. That's not my choice. I do not choose which slurs I get called. I do not choose. If I get assaulted, those are not my choices. Those are the choices of other people. Right? My choice. Going back to that Brene, brown piece, that vulnerability piece, that courage piece, is to be that authentic self, and to be that authentic self around other people. And my, my curiosity would be and this would be for like cisgendered, heterosexual parents, or even queer parents, or parents in general? What choices have you made? What choices are you still making? What choices where you're not allowed to make? Did you have a choice? Or did you feel like you had a choice to not be a parent? Do you feel like you had a choice to not get married, and live a happy and like fulfilling life.

Clint Mally:

We all know about the standard way that life is expected to go when someone is growing up in this world, right? Like, first you do this, and then you do that you go to school, you get a job, or you go to college, that kind of thing. Well, there's a process called the relationship escalator, where even though many people think of it as a normal way to progress in commitment, it is denied to people of the LGBTQ plus population, or it's only recently been accepted.

Colin Baker LPC:

There's a concept called the relationship escalator, where it's, you meet, you start dating, you keep dating, you get married, you have kids. And those are your choices. And that is one way we call it that escalator because you get on it, and it just takes you right on up to those next levels. And for a lot of queer people, that's not the case. For a very long time, literally up until 2015. marriage wasn't even on the table. Okay, it was a couple times, and then it wasn't again, and then it was so it's like really inconsistently up until 2015, where it is now federally legal. So we have only now had roughly six years of the idea of same sex marriage. And that's it. Six years. There are toddlers who have known nothing else. There are 12 year olds who have only had this for half of their life. Their 24 year olds have only had this for a quarter of their life. When I'm talking about this is what I'm talking about. When I was talking about living with queer youth. When I was talking about What is life like for queer youth, and how might that be different than life for non queer youth? This is one of those examples. Because only up until very recently, it was the idea of marriage even an option. When we think about what are their choices, oh, they're going to grow up, they're going to start dating, they're going to get married, they're going to have kids, okay, they can grow up and they can start dating, but that marriage piece was never even an option. So this perceived path already could not take place. So there had to be these alternatives. And as parents, having our minds open to alternatives is going to be almost critical to being able to make sure that those alternatives are safe and effective in whatever they're going to look like.

Clint Mally:

Okay, so maybe you're realizing that you have some room to grow. How do you love your teen or your young adult or your family member who is queer? How do you support them? so that they have choices.

Colin Baker LPC:

I would like human beings to think about that it's okay to be who someone needs you to be. Even if that is not how you expected to be needed. And it is okay to listen. And it is okay to feel and it's okay to be scared. It's okay for this to be hard. It's okay to do it anyway, do those hard pieces, do those scary pieces and in like, we're gonna go back to Brene Brown, and it's okay to do a shitty job the first time and do better next time and better the next time and better the next time. I want to, I want to just free people, this idea of perfection. You're not a perfect parent any more than you are already a perfect parent. You don't have to be anything other than what you already are. You are not a perfect kid, outside of you are already a perfect kid. You do not have to be anything other than how you already are coming with love coming in with compassion for yourself and for others.

Clint Mally:

You matter because you exist through some great miracle through the insane possibility of combinations and chain reactions that needed to occur to bring you here, you are a human being. And that means that you deserve love. And if someone identifies as anything other than straight, they deserve love too. We can break the cycle of oppression and how we love and stick up for those who have the courage to be their true selves to be their real selves to be who they are. Listen, y'all. We know that parenting or having a family member who is queer is real, but it's more common than you think. And best of all, if you have worries, anxieties and fears about it, also treatable. All my love will see you on the next episode.