AA and the 12 Steps of Recovery Explained with Lauren Windle

We are unpacking the oldest addiction recovery program, Alcoholics Anonymous 12  steps of recovery from addiction recovery expert Lauren Windle.

We'll tackle what the 12 steps are, how to use each one, and even that whole higher power thing.

Lauren Windle is a public speaker and journalist, published by Mail Online, Huffington Post, The Sun Online, Fabulous Digital, Marie Claire, The Star, Church Times and others. On 22nd April 2014 she got clean and sober from a cocaine and alcohol addiction and became a Christian five days later. She has a Masters in Addiction Studies, runs a charity recovery course for people struggling with addition and in 2018 gave a TEDx Talk about her personal story of addiction and recovery. She is also the proud owner of a Blue Peter badge and has her grade four ice-skating. You can connect with Lauren @_lauren_celeste on Instagram and Twitter. Notes on Love is her first book.

Transcript

Clint Mally: 0:05

confession time, I spent a lot of days around addicts without ever actually reading the 12 steps as prescribed by a VA or Alcoholics Anonymous. And by long time, I mean like this year. So I had this one experience with a years ago, my mom who is an addict, but is especially an alcoholic was really struggling. And I wanted to help her out. So I looked up some a meetings, found one that was close, and then dragged my reluctant mother there, there was this whole turn taking system of talking, which my super extroverted mother had a really hard time of Bang. And the air was also thick with cigarette smoke with no open window. I started to get this, you know, heavy buzz, and feeling sick. And so I actually had to step outside because my eyes were watering so bad. Now, that is probably just one of the reasons that I never really learned the 12 steps. My mom, she didn't get clean that day. She still uses despite having cancer and going through chemo she uses. But that doesn't mean that the 12 steps of a aren't for real, that they can't help people get and stay sober long term. So I sought out an expert who had her own battle with addiction, and use the 12 steps like really use them to turn her life around. We are unpacking the oldest running addiction recovery programs 12 steps of recovery, we'll talk about all the stuff, including that whole higher power thing, and how it could be the thing to help you or a loved one make a change. I'm Clint Mally. And this is real common treatable, where we talk about overcoming mental health and substance use challenges in simple every day language. Though, originally the 12 steps centered around alcoholics, there is now a huge network of people in recovery, who have used them for all kinds of addictions. One of those amazing humans is Lauren Windell.

Lauren Windle: 2:29

I'm Lauren Windle, I'm an author, journalist and addiction specialist with a master's in addiction studies. And I also run a recovery program.

Clint Mally: 2:39

Before becoming the mega boss that she is today. Lauren had her own bout with addiction.

Lauren Windle: 2:46

I was out with friends in London, and I was having dinner with them. And they actually didn't take drugs. But I knew that it was a Thursday night, we would probably go to a few bars after dinner. And I didn't want to do that without drugs. So I went and picked up some cocaine. And when I got back to the restaurant, they had said, Oh, we've had so much fun at the dinner. But we're just going to go home now. So I was left with a reasonable amount of cocaine. And I went home and took it on my own. And then was still awake at 730 taking drugs when my alarm went off, tell me to go into work. And I just thought oh no, I've, I've really done it now. And that was a horrible feeling. So I called in sick and I told my boss I was still high. And then I spoke to my sister, who had always been a lot more balanced with me in terms of her lifestyle, and she had a consistent faith as well, which kept her really grounded. And she recommended that I quit my job, she actually typed out a resignation letter and made me sapping so so that was the first sort of stage. But even after that I continued drinking and occasionally taking jobs for a good year or so and move to a different city to escape the sort of party lifestyle. And then one night, I met someone who could bring me drugs where previously I hadn't known anyone, and went out with him, came home and taken drugs. I was really hungover kind of drunk and I had a black eye and I had no idea where I'd gotten that black eye from my friends after that sat me down and said, We think in us an athlete, you've tried to make positive changes, that you're not getting to the right stage, are you just saying I'm going to drink less or I'm not going to take drugs doesn't cut it anymore, because it's really starting to get serious. So we'd like you to go to a support group meeting. And that's what I did. I went to an Anonymous meeting for people struggling with drug addiction, and that's where everything changed me.

Clint Mally: 4:40

Let's unpack that change and break these 12 steps down. Step number one is to admit that you are powerless over alcohol or whatever it is that you're addicted to, and that your life has become unmanageable.

Lauren Windle: 4:56

And the first step which is all about handling Over, it's just acknowledging that you have gotten into a mess by pursuing things on your own and doing it in your own strength. And actually, things are manageable. And if you can't recognize that you're not in control, it's very difficult to find recovery through an addiction. Because actually, if you are in a space of addiction, that literally means that you no longer have that autonomy, and over your choices. And it's really important as the first step to recognize that in the place that you're at, so that you can start building on

Clint Mally: 5:36

it. Step number two is that you have to believe that there is a power greater than yourself that can restore you to sanity. And I'll admit that this is one of the steps that I was most leery about.

Lauren Windle: 5:51

Step two is all about a vision for what sanity can look like in your life. And I really famous people say all the time, like Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. And that is a lot of what addiction is like, Oh, I'm going to do for me anyway, I'm gonna go to the pub, but this time, it'll be different. It's not different, you do the same things, you get the same outcome. So recognizing the insanity, and then looking at what sanity would be like, what life could be like,

Clint Mally: 6:24

can we just talk about God for a bit? or as he calls it, the higher power? So is this higher power thing exclusive to Christianity, or any of the other major world religions? Could you be, you know, a pantheist, addict and still use the 12 steps.

Lauren Windle: 6:41

And then also, there's this higher power element. And for some people that are traditional religion that people would understand when they say, God, and I'm Christian. So for me, that's sort of Jesus, and all of that kind of stuff. Not everyone feels that way. For some people, it's just recognizing that a group of people gathered together with a common purpose has more power than you as an individual, which is undeniable. I think the key thing with the higher power thing is knowing that there is one and knowing that it's not you. That's what someone told me once. And actually, it's very freeing to know that you're not the be all and end all that actually, there is a higher power out there, and that it's got a good interest positive interest in your life.

Clint Mally: 7:28

Okay, so is this higher power essential to recovery? Can you get sober without believing in a higher power? The answer? Well, it kind of depends on the person that

Lauren Windle: 7:41

are a lot of other recovery programs that don't have a higher power involved in the UK, we've got one called Smart Recovery, which deliberately doesn't have any kind of spiritual element. But there are lots my experience of the US based programs is that the vast majority, do you have some sort of spiritual element and would encourage you to recognize a higher power? Do I think you absolutely have to do that? I don't think my recovery would have been the same without it. But people successfully get sober on smart recovery or non equivalent programs. So I don't think that there's one route to recovery. I think that it's about finding, and trying out lots of different things being open, and then identifying the thing that sits best with you. And that doesn't mean the things thing. That's easiest, because recovery isn't easy, but actually, if you feel like you get the higher power thing, then the sort of 12 step model is amazing, really transformational.

Clint Mally: 8:40

Full disclosure, I used to be hella Christian. I was even a youth pastor for a stint. I married people spoke to the congregation when the senior pastor was traveling on Sunday mornings, you know, I would read the Bible, and I would pray a ton as memorizing huge portions of Scripture. But part of what drew me to Christianity was structure and love. I felt like I didn't really have either of those growing up in this Christian stop. Well, they were a welcoming group. And for me, I kind of made things super complicated. See, I was always trying to figure out what God wanted me to do, or what he was saying to me. I was a bit obsessed. The Bible said one thing here and then another thing there. And then there was this whole simple and Heavenly Nature side too. I blamed all the stupid stuff I did or the trouble that I got into on my simple nature or as God punishing me for not following his will. And then I just kind of stopped. I stopped doing all of it. stopped praying. I stopped Going to church, I stopped reading the Bible. And to my surprise, when I went outside, I didn't to get struck by lightning. I felt happy, free, better. And that's where I'm still at today. So when I asked Morgan, if the higher power thing could be a stumbling block for someone trying to get sober, she gave kind of a interesting perspective

Lauren Windle: 10:30

that I recognize as well that people raised in the sort of structure of religion can feel really resentful, really hurt. And in some cases, like Cal have experienced quite extreme trauma that the church in particular has not got things right, a lot of the time, and it has majored on shame, and purity culture has made people feel disgusting. And this pushing our people to feel that they're not worthy, if they are sinning, is, I believe, a human interpretation, misinterpretation of what the sort of gospel message is. And ultimately, if anyone who is Christian doesn't start with love, then I think that they've got that wrong. And I it's not always been my experience that people do that. And and sometimes people do need to be challenged on their behavior in the church out of the church. Now, it's important to be accountable for the things you do. But I do think Christians can often take it upon themselves to challenge behavior, when they're not the right person to do that, or it's not their place. Or actually, there's maybe some things in their own lives they could address first. And the sad fact is that Christians can be a bit rubbish, that they're not Christ. And that's I think that was a Ghandi thing. I liked your Christ, but not your Christian, which I totally understand. And I get I'm Hardy, perfect. I'm not Christ, I get things all the time, I'm sure that I've done things that someone might say, Oh, that doesn't feel like something a Christian should have done. And I we live, and we learn and we try and progress. But it's a shame. I think if people are put off of the spiritual side of either Christianity or recovery, because of the way they've been treated, or been made to feel that their decisions by Christians, particularly when they're working out what life is like, and testing the waters and working out the emotional and physical consequences of their decisions, we all explore that. And no one lives a perfect life. So it's just about raising guidance and building an incredible relationship where you feel supported rather than judged.

Clint Mally: 12:48

Also, I have a ton of super smart and amazing Christian friends. And me walking away from the church or religion wasn't based upon any negative personal experiences. But I get that this is not always the case. All that to say, well said, Lauren. All right, back on track. Step number three, you need to make a decision to turn your will and your life over to God as you understand it.

Lauren Windle: 13:18

This is possibly one of the most difficult steps because it's about submission. It's about looking at that unmanageability from step one, and that insanity from step two and going, Okay, it's time to stop pushing, under my own see, and it's time to allow my higher power to take over which if you can't quite get to grips with what your higher power looks like and things like that. For some people, it takes quite a long time because they need to grow in that relationship and trust with their chosen higher power. But I do think that there's such a freedom in recognizing, and relinquishing the responsibility that so many of us take on ourselves, so many of us think that it's us. And if only we'd done this and that person's life is better, and our lives would be better. And this and this, and yes, there are consequences to our actions, of course, but actually, there is a higher power and if you hand over, it's no longer your sole responsibility to get things completely. It's not just down to your judgment. And for me, that was just a relief.

Clint Mally: 14:24

See, I totally get this part of not being able to do things on your own. This makes all the sense to me. Even if you're not believing in a higher power, just from a social standpoint, we need people isolation kind of destroys us. We are social creatures that need real connection to make lasting change. Moving along, we're now at step number four, which is to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself.

Lauren Windle: 14:57

So step four is I think the most Practical of all of the steps and taking moral inventory as if your brain was a shop, you walk in, and on all the shelves, there's loads of cracked products, and they're bit rochlin, and whatever. So taking more inventory is basically going like, I'm going to take all of these things off of the shelves, now, I'm not going to keep carrying them, we're not going to have them in stock anymore. But that means identifying them and writing them down.

Clint Mally: 15:25

Alright, let's learn how to Marie Kondo your inner stuff, how does it work.

Lauren Windle: 15:31

And you do that with four lists, often, and that is everything you're afraid of. Every way you've harmed another person, every sexual encounter, you've had an every resentment you have towards another person. And you can imagine that that's potentially a very painful thing to have to write down and to have to look into, particularly if there's been trauma in your life for those kind of things. And no one likes write down a list of any sexual encounter something. But actually, people carry so much shame around their resentments, their fears, the way that they've hurt people and their sex lives. And actually, it's just a case of looking at it and going, I'm not evil, I've made some wrong choices.

Clint Mally: 16:17

So what do you do with these four lists once you created them, or written them down? Well, that's what step number five is all about. Here, you need to admit to God to yourself and get this to a another human being the exact nature of the wrongs from that list.

Lauren Windle: 16:37

So as if writing those four lists wasn't bad enough, set five requires you to admit the contents of them to yourself, which I think people can have basically done by the time they've written it down anyway, to God. And that would be in prayer, or meditation, or whatever that looks like, depending on your relationship with your higher power, and then to another person. And that's the bit that freaks people out, because people like God, and my higher power knows anyway, because they're, you know, they're around. But this person is about to really judge me. And actually, there's a real magic in this. So I had a sponsor, which is like a mentor through this program, who I said it to, some people choose a really trusted friend, some people choose like a church leader, or another mentor or something like that. But it's got to be someone, ideally, with a bit of life experience, and someone who really deeply trust. So for me, my sponsor was sober herself. And it was amazing to be able to tell people, one person is sort of deepest, darkest things. I was most ashamed of the things I'd thought said and done that I thought I can never admit to another person and have them still show up and have them say, okay, that's okay. Or even at times, like, Yeah, me too. I did that as well. And you feel so alone, addiction is so isolating, you think you're the only one who's ever done anything that's stupid. So to hear that is just so incredible. And I just love the way I was convinced I would be dropped that she just say that this is too much. I can't deal with this. But she was always there. And she was always ready to hear my next thing. The next thing I was worried about saying out loud and admitting to and it was a very challenging assumption, I can imagine that comforting experience on the other side of it.

Clint Mally: 18:28

Many of us feel that if people really knew the real us, if they knew all of our stuff, that they wouldn't really like us, much less still love and respect us. And this step will it kind of frees you up in a safe way, it reminds you that you're not alone. When we come back, we're going to unpack the rest of the 12 steps and get an update of what Lauren is up to now. This podcast is brought to you by sandstone care. They provide age specific mental health and substance use treatment for teens and young adults. They have residential treatment programs from qualified professionals so that you can focus completely on your own recovery and they have after school or work programs to so that you can get better while still maintaining the stuff going on in your life. Go to sandstone care a.com or give them a call using the number in the description box to talk with a real human being who will get to know you and connect you with the support that you need. Even if it's not with them. Change is possible and sandstone care is here to help. Okay, back to the steps. Step number six is to state that you are entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of your character.

Lauren Windle: 19:59

So Once you've got this inventory of all of these different events or feelings, or situations from your life, you can start to see patterns, particularly when you've got it written down, you can say, Okay, I think I was acting from a place of pride in these situations, and maybe I'm more proud than I thought I was. Or actually, that was a fear of being rejected, that made me lash out first, or whatever that scenario was. So you can go through and you can always see these kinds of themes, okay? There are some areas in my life where I really benefit if I worked on them. And that is sort of character defects. And interesting actually, that there's a whole step just for preparing to release them, it's not a case of you just go Oh, here they are, and throw them away, like it's an opportunity to reflect on them and where they've taken you.

Clint Mally: 20:53

Step number seven is to humbly ask God to remove your shortcomings. And it was here that I was like, oh, like, all of these steps kind of hurt ball around a higher power in some way. This is actually a super spiritual process. And I just love the analogy that Lauren gives here, to help us understand what this process actually feels like.

Lauren Windle: 21:19

So then, after you've identified your steps, six character defects, Step seven, is about handing them over. And there's an amazing book called Drop the rock. And it's basically this kind of based on this analogy, where I'm probably gonna butcher this, but someone's getting to a boat, and the boats just taking out they see it taking out from the harbor, and they're supposed to be on it. So they jump in the water in this swimming, swimming, try to reach the boats, they can catch up, and everyone on the boat at the back is come out to watch and they're going come on, you can make it you can make it and they're swimming as hard as they can. And the person shouts, drop the rock, and they look down and realize that around their neck, they've got this massive rock. And actually, if they drop the rock, the swimming suddenly gets so much easier. And actually, these character defects are pulling us back from enjoying life, from living life in the way that we want to, for fully embracing opportunities from allowing ourselves to feel life in its fullness and the full spectrum of emotions. And actually, that's a real shame. And that's often the reason why people have turned to their addictive behaviors, because they didn't feel like they could deal with life. Well, actually, if you drop the rock, if you hand over these character defects, you may find that the swimming and the living becomes just that little bit easier.

Clint Mally: 22:48

Step number eight is probably one of the most popularized steps in terms of what we see in movies and television. Because step number eight is to make a list of all the people that you have harmed, and became willing to make amends with them.

Lauren Windle: 23:05

Yeah, making amends is often the thing that people are most afraid of when they think of that and writing the step for inventory in the first place. But there's a list on the inventory about people you've harmed. And it is so important to clean your side of the street, for want of a better, less cliche phrase, it is so important to take responsibility for places where you've been wrong. And again, this is another step where the 12 sets are a bit gentle with you, because they don't say go out there. They say become willing. And that almost in itself is as big a journey as doing it. Because a lot of the time. We can spend the whole time going. Yeah, I could apologize for that. But what about what he did to me? Or what about that time? She said this? And when I spoke to my sponsor about these things, when we were in that mentoring process, she said, Okay, tell me the story again. But don't tell me what they did. Because you're not responsible for what they did. If they swore at you and you slapped him, the full story is, you slapped them. And that's not okay, that's not excusable. And therefore, you need to apologize for that. And actually, just getting yourself in the mindset of, I need to own my behaviors and make amends. Where possible, is really key.

Clint Mally: 24:19

I look, being willing is only part of the battle. Now you actually have to go and do it. Think about step number eight and nine as a mental and then a physical step. One is about thinking and then the other is about doing. Or Step number nine is to make direct amends to such people, when ever possible, except when they would injure you or them.

Lauren Windle: 24:45

So then having become willing, it's a case of reaching out to people to actually make your amends. And one thing that the 12 steps did for me brilliantly was teach me how to apologize. And if there's a but that's not an apology, you go Oh, you say, This is what I would like to apologize for. I am sorry for the impact that that had on you. And then you say, is there anything else that you would like to take the opportunity to raise with me within this conversation, because particularly as an addict of substances, or anything that alters your mind and affects your memory, it may be that you're not fully aware of the impact your behaviors have had on the people around you. So it's important to have a safe, non defensive space, to allow them to flag those things up to you, which is painful. And we often start with the easiest people, I started with my parents because I knew that Forgive me, it wasn't easy to do, but I knew that the answer wouldn't be No, I hate you go away. But then there are some people in school who I knew a tutor very badly people I'd worked with, who don't love me to the same extent as my parents do. And I like, I like to set up Premium accounts and did the like free trial on LinkedIn just because it's the only way I could find to message them. But you really have to go quite far out of your way, sometimes when people but on the whole people were grateful that I had taken the time to reflect on my actions. And we're talking particularly for people in school, it was quite a way gone. So I don't think it was maybe something they were still hanging on to it, but it still it doesn't matter, their experience of it doesn't matter is that I know, I had done something wrong. And you just want to be a person who can walk down any street and not be afraid of who they might bump into. And I feel I have that now where I didn't, it's all

Clint Mally: 26:38

okay, the final three steps are kind of in their own category. They're about keeping up the momentum that you have been doing. Step number 10 is to continue to take personal inventory. And when you feel wrong, promptly admitted.

Lauren Windle: 26:53

So 1011, and 12, are what people call maintenance steps. And that doesn't mean that they're easier. But it means that the initial cleanup job is done. And now you're just doing your weekly routine or daily clean to make sure that you keep things in order. And that means just reflecting on where the day has taken you what you're grateful for. These are all great practices. Anyway, whether you're coming through addiction or not way your gratitude lies, maybe a few places, you could have done things better. And if that means making amends for those things, doing that immediately, rather than having to get a premium account on LinkedIn 10 years later, and just reflecting on those things and, and handing it over and preparing yourself for the next day to do the next day as well as you can off the back of reflecting on the last.

Clint Mally: 27:42

So step number 10 is about continuing to keep your relationship garden healthy. But because that's only one part of the relationship game, for the 12 steps, at least, you need to make sure that you stay right with God to step number 11 Is that through prayer and meditation to improve your conscious contact with God, as you understand it? Here you're supposed to pray only for the knowledge of its will for you and the power to carry that will out. Yeah,

Lauren Windle: 28:18

so 11 Then is continuing to connect with your higher power. And that can be through prayer, through meditation, through walks through nature, whatever it is, it's about that sort of calming, staying grounded, giving yourself that quiet time to connect with something greater than yourself, which just keeps keeps you in perspective and keeps you connected, which is really valuable.

Clint Mally: 28:45

We made a yellow, we're here at the final step, step number 12. And this one is kind of about just paying it Board. The 12 step says that you need to carry this message to addicts and to practice these principles and all of your affairs.

Lauren Windle: 29:02

Yeah, so steps well is handing it on. And when I think about me and my sponsor, we met every week for a year and a half. And that person was not paid for time. She did it because somebody else had done it for her. And actually, that is so important. Where you have been right down there in the dirt needing other people to step up for you. When you're no longer in that place when you have worked through these things and you are in a far more stable position. And you think that you can show someone the route that you took to get there. It is incredible to be able to do that. Not only does it help them in their journey dramatically, but it solidifies your own recovery. It reminds you why you do it. You get something new out of it every time I think conversation. It's just the best thing to know that because of you and because of the impact you've had on someone's life Don't Feel how you used to feel anymore.

Clint Mally: 30:02

These 12 steps may have definitely worked for a ton of people to help them get and stay sober. And if you want to hear more from this super sophisticated British accent, luckily, there is a way for you to connect more with Lauren.

Lauren Windle: 30:19

I think the best place to track me down is probably on my website where I've linked all of the different things and that's Lauren window.com. I'm pretty active on Instagram as well so you can find me there and there's links to that on my website, the really happy to connect with people. I love hearing other people's incredible stories and I share quite a lot about how I think people can find that freedom that I found if they're not quite there yet as well.

Clint Mally: 30:46

Listen to all this addiction stuff. It is real, but it is also more common than you think. But most of all, it is treatable. We'll see you on the next episode.